Fedorpheux.com

Imagine you’re in bed, just sitting there listening to the radio or whatever it is that you do when you’re sitting in your bed. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you see a spider crawl up and then under the sheets. Of course, you do the sensible thing and kill his hairy little ass. But are there more spiders to come? What if they already came? If there’s one, there certainly could be more, right? Do spiders travel alone or in packs?

Well, good night. Oh, and by the way, I think I see a little hairy dot moving over there in the corner behind you.

For your personal safety and the safety of those on the road, I would like to inform you of this dangerous phenomenon. It occurs when you are driving in your car alone. Maybe you just dropped some people off or are about to pick some people up, but, for the moment, you are alone. Then, all of a sudden, it happens. You know that you were not the culprit, but nonetheless, you begin to smell it. The exact smell of a fart.

Beware.

Google really is taking over the world. Seriously. “With infinite storage, we can house all user files, including: emails, web history, pictures, bookmarks, etc and make it accessible from anywhere (any device, any platform, etc)…”

And you guys laughed when I said that “Google is more powerful than Jesus Christ, Superman, and Al Pacino combined…”

I’m all for making fun of people, institutions, cute animals, fuzzy animals, and any combination of the above (watch out, PETA). I’m especially in support of making fun of slow drivers. However, the only thing stupider than a slow driver is a dumbass complaining about a slow driver. Make sure you at least give the illusion that you know something about what you’re complaining about.

For my example today, let’s study the occaision when you have slow drivers in front of you so you get into another lane to pass them and then, “all of a sudden,” they just seem to randomly speed up, as if their only goal in life is to piss you off. We’ve all been there, I know. First of all, I’d like to assess the general mindset of this example driver, which represents the vast majority of drivers out on the road today: everybody else on the road is out to get you and their job everyday is to be everywhere you are on the roads just so they can piss you off. Hmm, interesting philosophy. A slight problem, however. Everybody thinks that. So to everybody else, you’re just another jerk who is other there just trying to piss them off. Almost makes your brain hurt, eh?

Now, down to business. You finally get fed up of these slow cars in front of you so you go to pass, right? The limit changed from 25mph to 45mph about half a mile back, but these people are still driving 27mph, and no faster. You wildly swerve into the other lane and proceed to put the pedal to the metal. Huh? What’s happening? The slow drivers are all of a sudden speeding up just to make my life harder! Those bastards! They hate me! The world hates me! I’m going to go put a profuse amount of mascara on, die my hair black, and cut myself (remember, kids: down the street…not across).

I think not. Get away from those suicidal thoughts and get back to those slow drivers. So it surprised you when they sped up? What exactly did you expect them to do? Slow down even more? At what point were you expecting them to just go ahead and put it into reverse? Seriously, of course they were going to speed up. They must be at least mildly functional if they managed to get going at 27mph to begin with, so I think they can handle speeding up to 45mph. Sure, it may take them some extra time, but seriously, how can you be surprised when they finally speed up? Of course they are going to speed up, they don’t have any other realistic option!

But why did they decide to do it right when you were trying to pass them, thus making it much harder or maybe even impossible for you to pass them? I don’t know. Maybe you’re just an ass and they were trying to piss you off before you pissed them off…I know I would act similarly.

Did you ever try to spend a whole day walking around without shoes or socks on? Like a full regular day, where you go out and do stuff, not just sit around your house.

This led me to wonder: how long did it take cavemen to think up the idea of shoes? Were there just a couple hundred years of “Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!…” or what? And if their feet developed calluses to adapt to the situation, why did they ever bother to start wearing shoes? And why don’t we all have fancy evolutionarily-callused feet today?

Well, don’t take the title of this entry too literally. Not every single Asian in existance looks just like every single other Asian in existance. My point, however, is that Asians look a hell of a lot more like each other than any other racial category of similar size. Africans, Europeans, Americans, and all the other groups like that have a lot more diversity in the way of physical appearance than Asians.

Now I am not a racist person, so I’ll look past facts such as all Asian women are bad drivers, no Asian men are well-endowed in the baby-maker, and any Asian that didn’t get perfect grades in high school is a weirdo. There are actual reasons that Asians look so alike. One of the most prominent is the hair color. I’ve never seen any Asian with naturally blonde or light brown hair. They just don’t exist. Or if they do exist in some small island in the middle of nowhere, nobody has found them yet. The point is that basically 99.999…% of Asians have a natural hair color of really dark brown and/or black. Whatever you want to call it. Of course, anybody can bleach, die, or deep fry their hair, but the vast majority of Asians have the same hair color, it’s just their genes.

Well Africans all have really dark brown and/or black hair too, right? Well another point supporting the idea that Asians look more alike than any other group is their skin color. Other racial groups, even Africans, tend to vary more in skin color than Asians. This is especially true for Europeans and Americans. Take away all the tanning, make-up, and magical youth skin cream, and everybody else just has more diverse skin color than Asians. Sorry, but it’s true.

The last major point supporting this is the facial structure. You know as well as I do, Asians have more flat faces and stretched eyes. Is there any other racial group that has any facial structure as different as that yet as unified throughout the race as that? No, there isn’t. Sure, black people tend to have bigger lips and wider noses, but those characteristics tend to vary a lot more than the facial structure of Asians.

So face it, Asians, you all look the same…just about.

What happens when a guy gets a job at Hooters, like as a janitor or something? Does he come home and tell his friends and family “Hey everybody, I just got a job at Hooters!”?

What do his friends and family say back to him?

Not only did Vice-President Dick Cheney shoot a lawyer in a hunting “accident,” but that same lawyer just had a heart attack as a result of the wounds from the gun shot.

This just in: To keep up with the pace, President Bush just kicked an arthritic amputee WWII veteran in the balls and then poked him in the eye with a rusty spoon.

Note: If you actually look up the word buggery, it doesn’t necessarily make sense as used in the title of this entry. Nevertheless, I liked the sound of it and I think it is oddly appropriate.

Our calendar system sucks. First of all, what kind of number is 365 for the number of days in a year? Why not just make it 360 so that kids don’t get confused between the number of degrees in a circle and number of days in a year? But the thing is that it’s not even 365 days each year. It’s 365 days most years, but every once in a while, just to fuck with you, they throw in an extra day. Not at the beginning or end of the year, but at the end of February. Right where you’d least expect it. If you actually average it out, we have 365.25 days in a year. But you probably knew that. I think this is stupid and I have a solution to this problem. Here it goes:

My solution comes from comparing our calendar system to another system used by millions of people around the world. The Hebrew Calendar has to add an entire extra month every few years. The Gregorian Calendar, the one with the 365.25 business, got that error down to just 1 extra day every 4 years. Following this line of logic, I have devised a system that leaves even less error than the current system. And it has other perks too. Instead of 1 extra day every 4 years, I propose an extra 6 hours each year. If you managed to graduated dumbass math, you should realize that 6 hours is one-quarter of a day and over 4 years, that equals a whole day. Therefore this would make up for the same amount of error and be just as accurate. Just think about it, an extra 6 hours every year.

Now, to be more specific on how this would work, listen up. Instead of New Years occurring the second after 23:59:59 on December 31st, it would occur the second after 29:59:59 on December 31st. Doesn’t that sound good? There are more 9’s in it so it seems even more final, which I think is appropriate for the end of the year. Now is when the skeptics say “But wouldn’t that screw up the schedule of all these important corporations and governments and blah blah blah…” The answer is no! The reason: everybody will be so drunk/high/generally inebriated off their asses that they wont know or care what the hell is going on. Everybody already gets majorly hammered on New Years, but imagine this extra 6 hours that can be used to get extra hammered! And for all of the little kiddies who aren’t old enough or man enough to get inebriated, they’ll be so confused already that it wont matter. Oh, and for all of the people who don’t have any friends or aren’t cool enough to join in the festivities, the violent and angry drunks will be assigned to beat the shit out of them so they wont remember what happened either. That means that if the President doesn’t drink enough (which shouldn’t be a problem for G.W., but let’s just plan for the worst), it will be the job of the body guards to get drunk and beat his presidential ass for the safety of our country. It’s the American way.

So if you guys want to help me out in enacting this new calendar, just show up to the first day of work/school of next year 6 hours late. If anybody gives you any crap, punch ‘em right in the gut and then refer them to this website.

I’ve had this idea for a new category of entries for a while and now I’m finally getting off my ass and doing it. I recieve a whole bunch of spam email everyday, just like everybody else. If you’re going to start yelling “spam blocker” or “email filters” at me, just shut up now. I know what that stuff is and how to use it, but frankly I enjoy dealing with my spam email. It makes me feel like I’m doing something useful when I’m not really doing anything at all. And, in the end, isn’t that the point of life?

Anyways, occasionally there is a spam email that is excessively entertaining. Especially funny, stupid, or just damn confusing. That’s what this is for. To kick this off, let’s take a look at this email I recently recieved:

——————————
Subject: hanging out with you
From Corey < mefkqucodmahg@wzcmariahuis.be >
Reply-To Corey < mefkqucodmahg@wzcmariahuis.be >
Date 2/9/2006 1:06 AM
To [My email address]
Cc [My email address]

.
——————————

Hmm, well isn’t that nice? My good buddy Corey dropped me a line. Too bad I don’t have any friend by that name. However, keeping with the name, one would realize that Corey is a clever choice. It could concievably be a man or a woman. Later in the email, of course, they let me know that they are a woman. Anyways, good ol’ Corey found my picture on “one of the websites.” You know, one of them. Don’t you know? The websites. The websites. Yeah, one of those.

After that, I feel like Corey is coming on to me a bit strongly. I mean, she found my picture and now she wants to talk to me, visit me, and then meet me. Imagine if somebody walking next to you on the street randomly tapped you on the shoulder and said “Hi. I just saw you walking on the street. I would like to be friends. I’ll be stopping by your house later tonight, maybe we can meet then!”

25 years old, eh Corey? Sounds perfect for an 18 year old such as myself. Especially since I already have a girlfriend. Yeah, this email seems really genuine. The most interesting part is that the email isn’t trying to sell me anything. No porn, pills, or mortgages. Nothing. I couldn’t even give them my credit number if I tried. The website in the return email address is a website that I’ve never been to before and is in some language that I clearly don’t understand. The website in the email address mentioned in the email itself doesn’t even display as far as I can tell. I mean, even if I wanted to get screwed over and scammed by this person, I can’t figure out how.

Oh, and thanks for the period that is well below the rest of the text. If it wasn’t for that, I really wouldn’t have noticed that you were done with the email. Thanks

.