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Hubble Discovers Dark Spot on Uranus.

Doctors frantically prepare ointment.

First off, I want to clarify that I’m not talking about the sizes of the corporations or of the individual buildings housing these “food”-serving establishments or anything like that. I’m simply talking about the sizes of the various food products that these places actually serve. Clear? Good.

Now we’ve all heard or seen that in Europe or Asia or any place that we think we’re better than (which is everywhere) yet still seem somewhat more advanced and refined than us (which is a lot of places) they have a lot smaller meal sizes at fast food restaurants. The same ones, like McDonalds and Burger King, apparently offer more choices in the way of smaller meals and less choices in the way of larger meals, as compared to the good ol’ US of A.

So, at this point, we’re all supposed to look around at each other and remark “Since when did we become a country full of fat fucks and degenerate tubs of lard? I am so ashamed of this country! We should definitely take a lesson from all of those fancy ’small-meal’ countries…” My conclusion, however, is quite different from this. Sure, on average, we may be a bit “big boned”** compared to these other countries, but there are still plenty of fatasses over there, too. And think about our situation a little bit harder: here in this country, we have found a way to pay less money for more food, and the corporations have nothing against it and of course the consumers like it. Basically everybody’s a winner (except your arteries). So I strongly support taking advantage of this wonder of combining modern technology, marketing, and culture. If those “more refined” pussies want to pay more money to get less food at the exact same restaurant chains, then fucking let ‘em.

The real root of this issue is that American males feel that they are sexually inferior to our great European overlords (not so much to the Asians…seriously, it’s just the truth). These American males are afraid that these folk from the “old country” are have bigger genitalia. It’s the classic penis complex. Well I can end it here and now. I have a side-by-side comparison picture to show who has the bigger tool, Americans or Europeans. Satisfy your curiosity.

** - See ‘outrageously fat’

I enjoy watching stand-up comedy, but one thing that is often a part of stand-up comedy is being forced to witness the mentally deficient crowd applaud their faces off when the comic mentions that they have a new baby or some offspring of some kind. What the hell is the point of that? I can understand the comics mentioning that part of their lives because they usually run out of truly unique ideas rather quickly (if they had any in the first place) so they have to resort to making jokes at the expense of their family members. And what family members are better to make fun of than the ones that you brought into this world?

But why does the audience applause at the simple and non-humorous mention of a child of some kind? Guess what, audience! If you find a human being (or some species rather closely related) of the opposite gender and hump it for a while, you can achieve the exact same accomplishment! Of course, your baby will probably be quite a bit uglier than most others and don’t even get me started on how academically incapable it will be. So get over this infantile fascination that you have with infants! Seriously, you have genitals (no matter how laughable they may be in regards to size or functionality) too!

I don’t say “bless you” when somebody sneezes.

I have never sneezed and immediately afterwards felt a need to be blessed.

Occasionally I do feel a need to be blessed, but never just after sneezing.

Technically, I guess it is pronounced like “we” not like “why”, but the point is that the Nintendo Revolution is now the Nintendo Wii.

In other news, Microsoft and Sony both announced the renaming of their next-gen consoles (the Xbox 360 and PS3). The new names will be Huu and Wahtte. This way, the corporation giants can almost start a baseball team.

When asked what his motives were behind the decision, Bill Gates simply replied “Because I’m Bill fucking Gates!”

Is abortion right? Now that we (basically) have the technology to clone people, should we? These are the kinds of questions that I would answer here in a scholarly fashion if I really wanted to expend the effort to do so. But I have thought of a much better solution to this whole situation.

Somebody needs to fund (don’t worry, the money will comeback to that person ten-fold) a project to clone Jesus from the DNA that can be scrubbed off the Shroud of Turin. Don’t start poking holes in my plan with your fancy “logic” and “factual information” just yet. You’ve got to work with me. Continuing on, what you have to do next is, once Jesus is of sufficient age (anywhere between 18-30 years old, really) get him really really high on whatever drugs you prefer. But you’ve got to make sure that you don’t kill him (imagine what a mess that would be) and you also have to make sure that he is at least minorly coherent when he speaks.

The final step: Put Jesus on live TV on every station around the world (this is how the money to fund the cloning would come back…I mean you could demand $500,000 from each and every network and they’d still all pay you) for a 30 minute (strict time limit) call-in (you could also charge for the phone calls to Jesus for another source of income…people would still pay thousands to talk to Jesus) “Question and Answer” session.

It’d be great fun, I’m telling you.

Apparently, MySpace has taken down about 200,000 of its approximately 60 million profiles. Still no word on why they forgot to delete the other 59,800,000 profiles.

Side note (or rather, bottom note): I don’t have a MySpace account, never have, and never plan to. If you want me to get one, I will personally come to your house and take a crap on your keyboard. Also, if you don’t know why MySpace is, you’re lucky (and very sheltered).

That’s right, I’m back at it again. I’m just trying my hardest to find the most worthless and disturbing stuff that can be found via Google Image Search. And believe me, there is plenty of weird crap out there. Let’s say, just for the sake of the argument, that I searched for trifle and that the 4th result on the 3rd page was this abomination:

The above image is from http://greatprioryofscotland.com/photographs.htm

Well hey there Mr. CrazyFace! How you doing? Apparently you seem to be deeply and passionately enjoying shoveling congealed moldy pus in your fat face, you insane but well-dressed maniac. Seriously, though, this guy does not appear to be mentally stable. Not that I am a perfect model of mental fortitude, but at least I don’t look like I’m going to leap across the table and swallow a small child or two whole.

As we analyze the picture more closely, a few things come to mind. One relates to how well this confirmed psycho is dressed. He’s got a cute little necklace and everything. In fact, everybody in the background appears to be rather gussied up. This tells me one thing: it must be the annual convention of the International Nondescript Secret Advanced Neon Enhancement members. That’s right, it’s the yearly INSANE meet-up. I can’t believe I didn’t realize that earlier. All of the signs are there. Like the second pus bowl that is nearly empty. And there’s the cup of tea that clearly has no tea in it and appears as though it has never had tea in it. And who could forget the blinding red vest combined with the hung-over hair-do style?

Well that explains that. But I still don’t like the look on his face. A less observant person might guess that this guy is a rapist, but I would have to disagree with that. To me and my trained eye, this guy looks like the quiet voyeuristic type; the kind that performs sick and often illegal acts on whatever poor critters he can get his hands on (usually field mice and naked mole rats). You know, your average Joe Smith kind of guy who could live down the street from you…or maybe even right next door. But there is one last thing that bothers me about this picture and I can’t quite explain it. I have the strange feeling that this guy has a third arm that is somehow concealed by his snappy clothes, disgustingly distracting food, and overly cluttered table. And if you already assumed that I’m making some kind of penis joke, then you are even sicker than the individual in this photograph.

Can’t sick penis jokes out of your mind? Then send your suggestion for a Goomage (that hopefully doesn’t have to do with penises…but hey, it’s a free world…sometimes) to goomage@fedorpheux.com!

One night, I was lying in my bed, gazing up to the night sky, and wondered… Where the hell did my roof go?

We all hate bad drivers, basically by definition. I have devised a new solution that I think all car manufacturers around the world should instantly adopt (and thus pay me millions since it is my idea). The specific problem that this idea targets is the common situation when a stupid driver flips on a turn signal, and then goes a completely different direction. Thus, I decided that the name would be Turn Signal Commit System (or TSCS for short).

If you couldn’t guess already, this is how it would work. A person would flip their turn signal at an intersection or lane change or whenever, as usual. The difference would be that their car would force them to do whatever they signalled they were going to do. It would simply force them to do it before they could do anything else. So no more of this signalling right then suddenly going left or crap like that. Simple, right?

But what if they don’t signal at all? Well, this genius system still works! If they don’t signal, the TSCS will simply force them to go straight. Right into oncoming traffic, if that is what’s there. They’ll learn how to use their damn turn signals really fucking quick, I promise. Either that or they won’t have to worry about it because they’ll either be dead or at least not have a functional car to drive around like shit in.

But what if they signal left, then right, then back to left, then back to right again, etc…? So what? The TSCS still just follows the rules. The driver is simply required to do exactly what he or she signaled. If that means that they suddenly turn left, then swerve back to the right, and then careen down an embankment towards the left, and then finally taking another right turn to end up rolled over and in the middle of a field, then so be it.

This system is genius, I’m telling you. If you aren’t good with your signals, aren’t really paying attention at the moment, or driving a car that you’re not familiar with, you’ll figure out the correct way to do it really fucking quickly, or you’re dead. Easy as that. Either way, you make the road safer for the rest of us. Go out and support TSCS today!