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Here’s a great way to piss random people off: talk just a little bit too quietly for the target to properly hear you. This works best in a noisy environment where it is easy to blame other factors. When they ask you to speak up, acknowledge them and act is if you are trying to speak louder, but don’t actually speak any louder. Lather, rinse, and repeat until either the person walks away or you walk away with a black eye.

Seriously, though, this really pisses me off. My technique to combat this if I ever find myself at the raw end of this deal is to simply begin talking louder and louder once I realize the other person refuses to be reasonably audible. They either think I’m crazy or deaf, and at least one of those isn’t too far from the truth.

Our calendar system sucks. First of all, what kind of number is 365 for the number of days in a year? Why not just make it 360 so that kids don’t get confused between the number of degrees in a circle and number of days in a year? But the thing is that it’s not even 365 days each year. It’s 365 days most years, but every once in a while, just to fuck with you, they throw in an extra day. Not at the beginning or end of the year, but at the end of February. Right where you’d least expect it. If you actually average it out, we have 365.25 days in a year. But you probably knew that. I think this is stupid and I have a solution to this problem. Here it goes:

My solution comes from comparing our calendar system to another system used by millions of people around the world. The Hebrew Calendar has to add an entire extra month every few years. The Gregorian Calendar, the one with the 365.25 business, got that error down to just 1 extra day every 4 years. Following this line of logic, I have devised a system that leaves even less error than the current system. And it has other perks too. Instead of 1 extra day every 4 years, I propose an extra 6 hours each year. If you managed to graduated dumbass math, you should realize that 6 hours is one-quarter of a day and over 4 years, that equals a whole day. Therefore this would make up for the same amount of error and be just as accurate. Just think about it, an extra 6 hours every year.

Now, to be more specific on how this would work, listen up. Instead of New Years occurring the second after 23:59:59 on December 31st, it would occur the second after 29:59:59 on December 31st. Doesn’t that sound good? There are more 9’s in it so it seems even more final, which I think is appropriate for the end of the year. Now is when the skeptics say “But wouldn’t that screw up the schedule of all these important corporations and governments and blah blah blah…” The answer is no! The reason: everybody will be so drunk/high/generally inebriated off their asses that they wont know or care what the hell is going on. Everybody already gets majorly hammered on New Years, but imagine this extra 6 hours that can be used to get extra hammered! And for all of the little kiddies who aren’t old enough or man enough to get inebriated, they’ll be so confused already that it wont matter. Oh, and for all of the people who don’t have any friends or aren’t cool enough to join in the festivities, the violent and angry drunks will be assigned to beat the shit out of them so they wont remember what happened either. That means that if the President doesn’t drink enough (which shouldn’t be a problem for G.W., but let’s just plan for the worst), it will be the job of the body guards to get drunk and beat his presidential ass for the safety of our country. It’s the American way.

So if you guys want to help me out in enacting this new calendar, just show up to the first day of work/school of next year 6 hours late. If anybody gives you any crap, punch ‘em right in the gut and then refer them to this website.