Fedorpheux.com

That’s right, I’m back at it again. I’m just trying my hardest to find the most worthless and disturbing stuff that can be found via Google Image Search. And believe me, there is plenty of weird crap out there. Let’s say, just for the sake of the argument, that I searched for trifle and that the 4th result on the 3rd page was this abomination:

The above image is from http://greatprioryofscotland.com/photographs.htm

Well hey there Mr. CrazyFace! How you doing? Apparently you seem to be deeply and passionately enjoying shoveling congealed moldy pus in your fat face, you insane but well-dressed maniac. Seriously, though, this guy does not appear to be mentally stable. Not that I am a perfect model of mental fortitude, but at least I don’t look like I’m going to leap across the table and swallow a small child or two whole.

As we analyze the picture more closely, a few things come to mind. One relates to how well this confirmed psycho is dressed. He’s got a cute little necklace and everything. In fact, everybody in the background appears to be rather gussied up. This tells me one thing: it must be the annual convention of the International Nondescript Secret Advanced Neon Enhancement members. That’s right, it’s the yearly INSANE meet-up. I can’t believe I didn’t realize that earlier. All of the signs are there. Like the second pus bowl that is nearly empty. And there’s the cup of tea that clearly has no tea in it and appears as though it has never had tea in it. And who could forget the blinding red vest combined with the hung-over hair-do style?

Well that explains that. But I still don’t like the look on his face. A less observant person might guess that this guy is a rapist, but I would have to disagree with that. To me and my trained eye, this guy looks like the quiet voyeuristic type; the kind that performs sick and often illegal acts on whatever poor critters he can get his hands on (usually field mice and naked mole rats). You know, your average Joe Smith kind of guy who could live down the street from you…or maybe even right next door. But there is one last thing that bothers me about this picture and I can’t quite explain it. I have the strange feeling that this guy has a third arm that is somehow concealed by his snappy clothes, disgustingly distracting food, and overly cluttered table. And if you already assumed that I’m making some kind of penis joke, then you are even sicker than the individual in this photograph.

Can’t sick penis jokes out of your mind? Then send your suggestion for a Goomage (that hopefully doesn’t have to do with penises…but hey, it’s a free world…sometimes) to goomage@fedorpheux.com!

One night, I was lying in my bed, gazing up to the night sky, and wondered… Where the hell did my roof go?

We all hate bad drivers, basically by definition. I have devised a new solution that I think all car manufacturers around the world should instantly adopt (and thus pay me millions since it is my idea). The specific problem that this idea targets is the common situation when a stupid driver flips on a turn signal, and then goes a completely different direction. Thus, I decided that the name would be Turn Signal Commit System (or TSCS for short).

If you couldn’t guess already, this is how it would work. A person would flip their turn signal at an intersection or lane change or whenever, as usual. The difference would be that their car would force them to do whatever they signalled they were going to do. It would simply force them to do it before they could do anything else. So no more of this signalling right then suddenly going left or crap like that. Simple, right?

But what if they don’t signal at all? Well, this genius system still works! If they don’t signal, the TSCS will simply force them to go straight. Right into oncoming traffic, if that is what’s there. They’ll learn how to use their damn turn signals really fucking quick, I promise. Either that or they won’t have to worry about it because they’ll either be dead or at least not have a functional car to drive around like shit in.

But what if they signal left, then right, then back to left, then back to right again, etc…? So what? The TSCS still just follows the rules. The driver is simply required to do exactly what he or she signaled. If that means that they suddenly turn left, then swerve back to the right, and then careen down an embankment towards the left, and then finally taking another right turn to end up rolled over and in the middle of a field, then so be it.

This system is genius, I’m telling you. If you aren’t good with your signals, aren’t really paying attention at the moment, or driving a car that you’re not familiar with, you’ll figure out the correct way to do it really fucking quickly, or you’re dead. Easy as that. Either way, you make the road safer for the rest of us. Go out and support TSCS today!

Imagine you’re in bed, just sitting there listening to the radio or whatever it is that you do when you’re sitting in your bed. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you see a spider crawl up and then under the sheets. Of course, you do the sensible thing and kill his hairy little ass. But are there more spiders to come? What if they already came? If there’s one, there certainly could be more, right? Do spiders travel alone or in packs?

Well, good night. Oh, and by the way, I think I see a little hairy dot moving over there in the corner behind you.

For your personal safety and the safety of those on the road, I would like to inform you of this dangerous phenomenon. It occurs when you are driving in your car alone. Maybe you just dropped some people off or are about to pick some people up, but, for the moment, you are alone. Then, all of a sudden, it happens. You know that you were not the culprit, but nonetheless, you begin to smell it. The exact smell of a fart.

Beware.

Google really is taking over the world. Seriously. “With infinite storage, we can house all user files, including: emails, web history, pictures, bookmarks, etc and make it accessible from anywhere (any device, any platform, etc)…”

And you guys laughed when I said that “Google is more powerful than Jesus Christ, Superman, and Al Pacino combined…”