Fedorpheux.com

What the hell would I hit an owl with? Do you really want to know? Are you sure you can handle this? Up to the challenge? Well, I would (and already did) just hit it with my car! What the hell did you think I was going to say? “I strangled the owl to death with my bare hands and then hit it in the face with a deflated volleyball!” No, just my car. I just can’t believe that after I said “I hit an owl this morning.” about 90% of the people I told asked frantically “With what?!”…dumbasses.

Anyways, I was driving and, if you couldn’t already tell, I hit an owl. It was early in the morning (about 7am) so it was still dark out. Seeing as how owls are nocturnal animals, I figured that maybe the poor guy had a long night and was just heading off for bed. He was standing on the far side of the two-lane road. He must’ve seen my headlights coming and decided to show off and fly right above my sedan as I drove by. There was one minor problem with his plan: I drive an SUV, not a sedan.

So I’m cruisin’ along and THUD! Just before the sound, I saw somewhat of a flash from the left side (which is how I know that the owl was standing on the far side of the road). At first I thought I hit a small leaping deer or maybe some suicidal ninja-baby. It wasn’t until I looked out my side window and saw the wing still hanging down from the roof of my car that I realized that I hit a bird of some kind. Seeing as how it was still on my car (I was still driving at this point…I slowed down slightly with the thud noise but felt no need to come to a complete stop), I decided to pull over and deal with the issue. Ironically enough, the nearest parking lot to pull over into was the one for the local animal hospital (but don’t get your hopes up for a death-defying rescue, because the place was closed and trust me, that owl was already fucking dead).

Since the wing is literally hanging down across the driver-side door (and I don’t want the wing to caress my head when I open the door), I climbed over and crawled out the passenger-side door. I looked and, sure enough, there was a fucking owl on the roof of my car. There wasn’t any damage or anything at all wrong with the car itself, apart from the newly flightless bird stiffly perched atop the roof of my car. What you have to realize is that I have a rack on top of my SUV for things like bikes, canoes, kayaks, car-surfing, etc. Upon closer inspection, I realized that this owl’s wing had fucking wrapped itself (several times) around the rack on top of my car. It was at that point that I noticed that I had left my handy dandy “Owl-Corpse-Removing-Pliers” at home, so I had to improvise.

I pulled some random stuff out of the back of my car and kind of poked the damn thing, but nothing much happened. It wasn’t a huge bird, but it was pretty well wrapped around the rack on my car. So then I find a towel, thinking that I can just grab the dead owl using the towel as some sort of magical barrier. Just before I started pulling on the thing, I realized that I didn’t want owl guts all over me. I mean, it was a miracle that the damn thing didn’t explode into a million owl chunks when I hit it. It’s structural integrity must have been severely damaged at that point. Rethinking the process let me to finding a large brush outside the animal hospital (the kind one my scrub a horse down with, I would imagine). The handle was solid wood and about 2 feet long; perfect for prying an owl carcass off the roof of a car.

Finally a few minutes later, a eery plop announced the release of the owl from my car…and the introduction of the owl to the middle of the parking lot. In an animal hospital, especially, you would think that they might not like finding a dead animal in their parking lot for no reason. So, I did the most logical thing: I flung the corpse into the bushes right in the middle of the parking lot and then drove away.

I honestly try to keep this from being a boring old “blog” where I just write about my crappy daily experiences, but I figured that this was just too entertaining to miss. Oh, and if you care, I think that it looked a bit like a snowy owl, but I’m not really a master of identifying owl corpses.

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but about 114% of the internet is just porn. Of what’s not porn, the majority is just mislabled because it actually is still porn. So who’s to blame for all of this whoring of the internet? The Germans, that’s who.

I won’t go on too long about this because I’m sure that the average visitor to my website can’t read about porn for more than about 3 minutes before having to go “yank the monkey.” To be concise, my point is that just about every domain name that ends in .de will bring you to a porn site of some kind. For those .de domain names that don’t have porn, don’t worry because I’m sure they will very soon. Trust me, this is just how it is. Germany is so overflowing with porn that people in Denmark and the Czech Republic are just getting naked for no good reason!

In case you don’t trust me (which you probably shouldn’t), here’s some proof. I was trying to find a .de website that actually didn’t have porn. So what domain name would be more wholesome and pleasant than, well, pleasant.de? See for yourself (the link is generally “safe for work” as some would say, so don’t pop wood just yet). If you know anything about the internet, then you know that pages like this show up when somebody has registered a domain name but hasn’t built their website yet so they have decided to let it just sit “parked” somewhere. Usually the pages are just full of random ads to buy jewelry and peanut butter and the like. Notice this .de domain parking page, however. Again, the domain name itself has nothing to do with porn at all. Yet notice what this page is selling: “Sex Shop,” “Dominatrix Dating,” “Adult Webcams,” “Erotic Films,” and the list just goes on and on.

Believe me? Eh, you probably stopped reading after you finished that list of porn-related terms so that you could go do your dirty deed. I guess I might as well just stop here then.