Fedorpheux.com

We’ve all had it happen to us. Being a high school student and parking my car in the regular student parking lot everyday, I get it quite a bit. It’s that damn crap that people put on your windshield in order to communicate some message to you. They tuck it inbetween your wiper and the actual windshield just to make it look like they actually put some genuine effort to get through to you. Frankly, the thought of some stranger (apart from a gas station attendent, auto mechanic, or some other “professional” in the field) lifting up my wiper and sticking some foreign object in there somewhat disgusts me.

What is really nice is when they leave it so that it is facing into you car, as opposed to up towards the sky. They do this so that when you forget it is there and happen to turn on your wipers once you’re going 63 miles an hour down the rural highway back to your house you can read the message as it is wiped back and forth across your freaking windshield! Of course, you could just reach out your window as you’re driving and try to pick off the paper at just the right time. This would require a good amount of skill and accuracy as well as bravery because you could easily fall out of the side of your car or careen off the side of the road and hit 3 old ladies and a cat taking a dump (because that is the only time that you could ever actually hit a cat…I mean, normally they are lively and agile enough that they would get away in time, but nobody is agile when they’re taking a shit). Or, if you want to play it safe, you can just pull over and deal with the damn thing. Of course, in doing that, you’re letting the perpetrator win. You’re wasting you’re valuable time in which you would regularly be driving home to pull over and deal with this situation.

But once you are ready to deal with it, what exactly do you do with it? Some of the damn flyers actually say something like “Please don’t litter” or “Respect our enviroment” or some pompous shit like that. Go hump a tree, you hypocritical hippies! You’re the ones who put the damn thing on my car! It is your trash, not mine. If I go out to the local Greasy-Shit Burger Stand and then dump all the trash from my meal onto the hood of your car, would you happily throw it out for me? What if I did it several times a week? But you better make sure you recycle the plastic bottle from my soda or else you could kill a whole colony of Turtle-Eating Shroom Weasels! Seriously, putting trash on my car does not make it my trash! That little “Please don’t litter” comment just adds insult to injury. You’re telling me not to litter when all you’re doing is essentially littering on my car! At least when I litter, I litter on public property as opposed to private possessions such as a random person’s car.

Finally, you should know full well that I’m not going to read your damn flyer. If you’re lucky, I might actually skim it and pick up the 3 biggest or most interesting words, but that’s only if you’re lucky so don’t get your hopes up. Also, when I do skim it, it usually just pisses me off more. If your message is so pitiful that the only way I am going to hear about it is from you putting that shit on my car, I’m not going to respond. I have never in my life seen a flyer on my car and said something like “Oh, golly gee! I’ve never heard of this thing before, but I can’t wait to respond to this message in full optimism! I’m so glad that they put this beautiful informational pamphlet on my vehicle or else I never would have heard about this wonderful opportunity!” and I doubt I will ever say anything remotely like that. Over 99% of the time, I’ll just crumple the damn paper up, look around the parking lot in disgust and rage, violently throw the paper in the most conspicuous place possible, and then speed off in my car in a horribly obnoxious way. I suggest you try my method, you end up actually feeling better after the whole ordeal.