Fedorpheux.com

Well, I’m at it again. After months of seeing the entire world starving for a new Goomage article, I have decided to answer the need. This time, the phrase that I used in Google Image Search was quicker liquor. Why, might you ask? Even if you didn’t ask, the answer is still the same. I got the idea from the signature of Snake Oiler, a member on the forums (hint hint, you should now go register!). With out further ado, I now present you with the fourth result from the second page:

The above image is from http://www.paradise.gen.nz/~sloth/010302/html/010302x.html

Hmm, I am deeply repulsed, excessively confused, and eerily attracted to this image all while I can’t get the fact that the fellow in this image resembles something like Jesus on crack. After being kicked in the head by looking at a face like that, one has to wonder what the hell is in the bag he is holding and which hispanic dude down at the street corner do I ask to get some? It seems to have a kind of yellow oval-shaped thing on the corner; either a lemon or a grenade painted yellow. Assuming that it is a lemon, maybe this guy ate a bag full of lemon-heads. Or, maybe he just drank a bag full of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Or, since that doesn’t (usually) come in backs, maybe he poured a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade into a bag of lemon-heads and swalled the concoction to show off to all the chicks that I am sure are after this peace of religious-resembling man-meat. Assuming that it is a yellow grenade, I am partially afraid and partially hope that this guy’s rotten corpse still has a few chips of yellow paint, possibly around the groin area. Assuming that everything I say is full of crap, this guy must be holding a yellow grenade full of lemon-heads and high-pressure Mike’s Hard Lemonade and he just pulled the pin and since he looks somewhat like Jesus he figures that he should die like Jesus but since doing the whole cross thing is quite expensive, annoying, and extremely painful, he decided that this would be a lot more entertaining for himself and everybody in the general area.
My latter-most theory is supported by the fact that this guy has a weird angelic shirt. Well, the shirt itself appears to be perfectly normal but it seems to have an image of an angel doing something on the front of it. After a brief flashback to the Led Zeppelin album cover, I took another look at the shirt and it doesn’t actually look so much like an angel. Seems too scary too be an angel. Maybe a pissed-off angel or something.
And after that quick flashback to the movie Dogma, I think that I’ll take a look at the page that this image came from to attempt to retrieve some contextual information. Contextual is a fun word, isn’t it? Well, there really isn’t much too it. I am far too afraid to click any of the three links that can be found on the page for fear of finding an image of equally unsettling visual stimuli (try saying those last four words three times fast…and by that I actually mean look at how smart I must be to put those words together in such a way that it almost makes sense…kind of). “[i]Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. Danny has both…[/i]” Danny?…Danny?! Any grown man who goes by the name of Danny (especially a grown man with no lacking of facial hair) should not be given any candy or liquor at all because they are already so screwed up that they truly don’t need any drugs influencing the way they act. Both at the same time and combine that with the fact that this guy looks like Jesus and, well, you end up with an image like this.

Want a grenade filled with chunks of candy mixed in with high-pressure liquor? I don’t care! Just email goomage@fedorpheux.com with ideas for future Goomages!

The ability to dodge raindrops!

Wow, wouldn’t that be cool?

“Holy cow-tippin’ bazookas, RainDropDodgingMan! It’s beginning to sprinkle again!”
“Thanks for the heads-up SuckySideKick, now watch my attractive body dodge all of these raindrops. I will be perfectly dry while you stand there getting absolutely soaked! Well, unless you had the brains to go down to the corner and buy a 30 cent umbrella from the guy with 2 fake eyes. Oh, you did? Well, then…watch me dodge anyways!”
“Holy bazooka-tippin’ cows, RainDropDodgingMan! It’s poisonous and deadly acid rain from all of the nearby coal power plants!”
“Oh snap! Really? Sweet, now my completely useless super power can actually finally be useful for once! I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, SuckySideKick, but it turns out that my super power really doesn’t help anybody with much of anything. I know it’s a surprise, but hey, now I can actually use it for good! Finally!!”
“Naw, it’s normal rain. I’m just screwing with you again, RainDropDodgingMan…Heh, gets me everytime.”

You know what I’m talking about? Yeah, those utility-type-looking pick-up trucks that drive around with various colored and flashing lights. Sometimes they have signs like “Wide Load” or “Oversize Vehicle” to indicate a semi-truck carrying several houses and a football stadium or two that is either in front of them or behind them. It’s all good, right?

Well, what really bothers me is when you can’t see what it is warning you about. Like you pull on to the highway and you see one in front of you that says “Oversize Load” so you look all around for the huge semi that should be right near somewhere. But then you can’t find it. Well then don’t you start wondering? I mean, is this truck too far behind or is too far in front? Is a huge-ass semi carrying a small town going to be barreling down on you from behind or what? Especially when the utility truck has flashing lights. That’s just not a good sign. That means that there’s something that is so damn dangerous, he rather piss you off with a really annoying light that half blinds you every 3 seconds than not warn you about it. So what about when you see one of those utility trucks with flashing lights and a sign that says “Danger: Radioactive Material In Transport”? At that point, I usually just pull over and wait for the 4 horsemen.

Well, weeks after the operation itself occurred, the video footage is now available for download. The quality isn’t all that great (mind you, this was filmed very late at night) and you can’t really see any clear shots of the faces of any of these people (that is on purpose). However, we felt it was necessary to save our beloved hacky sack even if it meant getting onto the roof of our school at about 1am on a Friday night (or Saturday morning, if you want to be picky).
“Operation: Save the Sack” Final Video (approximately 15.7mb, zip archive containing a mpeg video)

And yes, this is the final video for which the following is just the trailer:
“Operation: Save the Sack” Alpha Trailer Video (approximately 5mb, zip archive containing a mpeg video)

Enjoy!