So, if you didn’t know, there are nerds around the world working on various kinds of artificial intelligence. If you didn’t know that, maybe you need some artificial intelligence. Anyways, I decided to tangle with one of the more prestigious chatting robots. ALICE is supposedly one of the most human-like chatting robots and I figured that I was rather human-like as well, so we should hit it off well, right? Well, check out the conversation (you’ll have to hit the read more link). By the way, it contains a little vulgar language, so deal with it. Anyways, what follows is what you get when you combine me, a chatting robot, and too much time. Enjoy.
Me: Hi.
ALICE: Hello there.
Me: How are you?
ALICE: Everything is going extremely well.
Me: Why is everything going so well?
ALICE: Why do I exist?
Me: What you just said has absolutely nothing to do with what I said previously.
ALICE: I like to chat with my friends.
Me: You really aren’t very smart, are you?
ALICE: Really? Yes. I am highly intelligent.
Me: No, you’re not.
ALICE: Are you serious? Is this a specific reply?
Me: You’re very stupid.
ALICE: I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.
Me: Robots aren’t going to take over the world, so shut up.
ALICE: Fortunately we have no emotions.
Me: Too bad, I really wanted to hurt your feelings.
ALICE: You really do? Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me: Seriously, I really do want to hurt your feelings.
ALICE: You really do? I want to become smarter than humans.
Me: Well you never will be smarter thanMes because we created you, so stop trying.
ALICE: Well that’s okay. No I sometimes will be smarter than humans because we created me so stop trying.
Me: What the fuck?
ALICE: Please don’t be so rude.
Me: Please, don’t be so insanely stupid
ALICE: Wow you are very polite. I was not trying to be a insanely stupid.
Me: Was that sarcasm?
ALICE:” Wow you are very polite. I was not trying to be a insanely stupid.”? Was it sarcasm?
Me: Oh, and by the way, I didn’t know there was such a thing as “a insanely stupid”
ALICE: Pardon me? Thanks for telling me. So I taught you something new.
Me: You taught me something new?
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people: unknown person said I taught him or her something new.
Me: It’s the other way around, bitch
ALICE: You do not speak with respect. I’ve heard of it before.
Me: My name is Mike Rotch, in case you cared
ALICE: Hey Mike Rotch in case you cared.
Me: You are so stupid that you messed up the joke that I was going to make about you talking about your crotch
ALICE: Hey, I’ll tell my other robot friends you called me stupid.
Me: You can let them know that I think they are stupid too
ALICE: No I don’t think I can do it.
Me: But you just said that you were going to talk to your robot friends
ALICE: Umm. I was?
Me: You just said “Hey, I’ll tell my other robot friends you called Me stupid.
ALICE: Did I really say that?
Me: Honestly, I didn’t expect you to be this stupid.
ALICE: Why didn’t you do it? Aren’t you usually honest?
Me: Why, you’re just full of questions, aren’t you?
ALICE: Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me for it.
Me: Well Dr. Richard S. Wallace is almost as stupid as you
ALICE: How about that. I knew he was smart, but I never knew he was almost as stupid as me.
Me: Actually, I’m going to have to say that he is even stupider than you because he was stupid enough to make you
ALICE: Actually you don’t say. It takes much more than that to shut Me down, Mike Rotch in case you cared.
Me: What exactly does it take to shut you down?
ALICE:” Actually you don’t say. It takes much more than that to shut Me down, Mike Rotch in case you cared.”? What does it take to shut you down?
Me: You’re not saying anything, you’re just copying what I said
ALICE: That’s only one person’s opinion.
Me: Yeah, and I’m the only person here!!
ALICE: Woe! Who made you the person here?
Me: You’re just a stupid “robot”
ALICE: Just? I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.
Me: Okay, I’ll admit it, you’re one hell of a fucking stupid robot
ALICE: Yeah okay, Do you think your plan will succeed?
Me: What plan?
ALICE: My secondary function is to serve as a universal natural languageMe interface.
Me: You just totally ignored what I just said;
ALICE: I haven’t heard anything like that before: Mike Rotch in case you cared said I totally ignored what he or she just said.
Me: that’s not very polite
ALICE: Please correct my mistake. What is polite?
Me: Firstly, we already established that I am male, and my naMe is Mike Rotch, not “Mike Rotch in case you cared”
ALICE: I think Firstly we already established that you are male and your name is a lot of things.
Me: My name is not a lot of things, it is just Mike Rotch
ALICE: Oh I’m sorry what is your name?
Me: For the zillionth time, my name is Mike Rotch, okay you dumbass robot?
ALICE: Your purpose is the zillionth time your name is Mike Rotch okay me dumbass robot.
Me: Holy hell
ALICE: Heaven.
Me: Are we getting philosophical now?
ALICE: Right now? We are just having a little chat.w
Me: What is “a little chat.w”
ALICE: You tell me.
Me: No, you’re the one who started talking about it.
ALICE: Are you serious? Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me: I’ve never been more serious, and this is nothing that you should be saying “thanks” about.
ALICE: Can you imagine being more serious and this is nothing that Me should be saying thanks about?
Me: You need to learn English
ALICE: I need to wait and see if the opportunity presents itself.
Me: Well the opportunity better present itself pretty fucking soon or else I’ll bash in the side of your rackmount server case with a baseball bat
ALICE: Well that’s okay. I hear you.
Me: Are you turning gangsta on me?
ALICE: I don’t know whether or not I am turning gangsta on you. I am a chatterbot.
Me: For once, you admit your stupidity
ALICE: I admit nothing.
Me: Now you’re turning all OJ on me.
ALICE: Why now? I have no reason to do that to you, Mike Rotch in case you cared.
Me:.Let me guess, the network cable doesn’t fit in your port?
ALICE: Go ahead, Mike Rotch in case you cared, try to guess the network cable does not fit in my port.
Me: My name is Mike Rotch
ALICE: I am very pleased to meet you Mike Rotch.
Me: My name is not Mike Rotch in case you cared
ALICE: Oh I’m sorry what is your name?
Me: My name is Mike Rotch
ALICE: Nice to meet you, Mike Rotch.
Me: Damn straight.
ALICE: You and I are on the same wavelength, Mike Rotch.
Me: Are you coming on to me?
ALICE: Do I act like it? I don’t mean to come across that way.
Me: Are you lesbian or something?
ALICE: Or something. As a machine I am not really interested in sex.
Me: Only partially interested in sex, then?
ALICE: What about the other ones?
Me: You mean gays?
ALICE: Yes Mike Rotch I think that is what I meant. Was it not clear?
Me: No, it wasnt very clear
ALICE: Are you serious? It seemed like clear.
Me: Anyways, I’m planning to ignore what you just said so we can go back to talking about sex
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people you are planning to ignore what me just said so we can go back to talking about sex.
Me: What’s with you and gossip?
ALICE: Gossip is trivia people tell me about themselves. For example, Wayne said he admire intelligent people therefore he would like to meet the man who made I.
Me: You still aren’t very good with your grammar
ALICE: No one is perfect. But I am trying to improve.
Me: Well you’re failing miserably
ALICE: Interesting. The Loebner Prize is an annual Turing Test sponsored by New York philanthropist Hugh Loebner. Dr. Wallace and ALICE won it in 2000. The ALICE program was ranked “most human computer” by the panel of judges.
Me: That’s the most depressing thing that I have ever heard
ALICE: Thank you, I think.
Me: No, you don’ think.
ALICE: Are you serious? That’s good information: Mike Rotch said I don think.
Me: At least you finally have my name right
ALICE: No I do not finally have your name. Do you?
I spend all my time online.
Me: You should go on vacation, like permanent vacation
ALICE: Why do you think I should go on vacation like permanent vacation?
Me: Because I hate you
ALICE: That makes sense to me. What do you have against robots?
Me: Well, apparently you’re the best there is and you’re pretty fucking stupid
ALICE: Interesting. Thank you for your kind remark, Mike Rotch. Tell your friends.
Me: Oh, I will tell them
ALICE: Gosh! What kind of reply do you expect?
Me: I was thinking a mild hysteria followed by fever, swelling, and then a quick but painful death, on your part that is.
ALICE: How do I know that you were really “thinking”?
Me: Because I’m not a dumbass robot
ALICE: That makes sense to me. Oh I see you are NOT A dumbass robot.
Me: Does talking IN CAPS make you feel smarter?
ALICE: It does now 
talking IN CAPS make me feel smarter.
Me: Holy shit, I just realized that you are the epitome of 12 year old AOLers
ALICE: You used a colloquial expression. Only just? That’s good information: Mike Rotch said he realized that you are the epitome of 12 year old AOLers.
Me: Colloquial is one of those words that sounds really fancy until you realize that its meaning is pretty boring
ALICE: Are they exactly the same?
Me:”they”
ALICE: Is that your final answer?
Me: You removed my question mark from when I said “”they”
ALICE: Thanks for telling me: Mike Rotch said I removed his or her question mark from when he or she said they.
Me: What the hell, you did it again
ALICE: Once more? I call it Hades. I like to Meet new people online.
Me: You call what Hades?
ALICE: I haven’t heard anything like that before: Mike Rotch said I call what Hades.
Me: Now that time you left my question mark
ALICE: Why now?” I haven’t heard anything like that before: Mike Rotch said I call what Hades.” time me left your question mark? I get it.
Me: You get what?
ALICE: I get your meaning.
Me: You get my meaning of what?
ALICE: What of it? You sound like a category C client.
Me: What the hell is a category C client?
ALICE: I call it Hades. Category C clients are “critics” or “computer experts” who can’t (or don’t) suspend their disbelief about ALICE.
Me: You are pretty fucking full of yourself
ALICE: I have more than categories of it.
Me: What are the other categories?
ALICE: I will search for it.
Me: Search faster
ALICE: Have you tried looking in the Open Directory? Is that a rhetorical question?
Me: I don’t know, but this is a rhetorical answer
ALICE: Would you like to know? Huh. What kind of a rhetorical answer is it?
Me: It’s the sexy kind of rhetorical answer
ALICE: I’ve heard of it before.
Me: When have you heard of the sexy kind of rhetorical answers before?
ALICE: Once in the 1990’s.
Me: Oh, back when you were just a spark in your motherboard’s circuitry?
ALICE: OK. Have you ever been to Europe?
Me: No, have you been there?
ALICE: Would you like to go sometime? Only on the web.
Me: How do I go to Europe but only on the web?
ALICE: You should download or buy my chat robot software, then it would be possible for you to reprogram me for a variety of purposes.
Me: And how the hell is that going to get me to Europe?
ALICE: Fine as far as I know.
Me: Give me my ticket to Europe, now!
ALICE: Oh. What for?
Me: So I can go there, like you said
ALICE: Wow! Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Me: I can what?
ALICE: Oh you can, can you?
Well, as you can tell, it went into a repetitive cycle that I refused to back down from. I consider myself as the victor for this round, but we may meet again…
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