I just now finished watching the DVD of Cold Mountain and man, do I want the last 152 minutes of my life back. Anyways, on to the top 5 reasons why this movie sucked:
5. The random and confusing flash backs, time warps, and various temporal shit. Seriously, I get the point of what they were trying to get across, but why couldn’t they do it without the 27 time changes in the first half-hour? And, on a related note, decide if you want Jude Law to have a freaking beard or not! Just decide already! He goes from beast to clean shaven back and forth and it was really pissing me off. And what kind of name is “Inman” for a white southern hick? Seems more fitting for a Filipino taxi driver or something. Furthermore, what kind of name is Jude Law in real life? Hey Jude, go get a real name!
4. It is just so god damned long! 152 minutes! One hundred and fifty-two damn minutes! Over 2 and a half hours of poorly acted crying, screaming, and repetitive pointless death and agony. Truly not necessary if you ask me. I think that I could’ve summarized the whole thing in about 13 minutes.
3. Nicole Kidman and (especially) Renée Zellweger just plain suck! I almost forgot that Nicole Kidman was Nicole Kidman, but then when Renée Zellweger forced her way into the storyline, I cringed as I remembered that they were both in this flick. They weren’t very convincing southern citizens. Kidman’s character seemed like she needed to go back to Boston and Zellweger’s character seemed like she needed to go back to the mental institution…or zoo…or, better yet, the zoo’s mental institution.
2. Not only were there unnecessary and disturbing sex scenes, but all characters involved were either fat, hairy, ugly, or all of the above. This is, of course, excluding one character. In one of the sex scenes about half way through, there is a lady that stops Inman (Jude Law) from walking out the door with her leg. The camera gets a clear shot of her leg and it is clean. Clean as in shaven, and possibly waxed. Now that actually bothered me more than if it was hairy because if it was hairy, at least it would make sense. I guess I just didn’t realize that back in the civil war era, women often snuck in time for the waxing of their legs.
And the number 1 reason why “Cold Mountain” sucked, can be viewed by clicking the “Continue reading…” link.
1. Every single gun shot throughout the entire movie hit its intended target! Yeah, it sure as hell makes it easy for Hollywood and makes it a lot more interesting for the audience, but it is not even close to accurate! You can’t hit a person from 50+ yards away with a civil war era revolver! Especially not in the snow when you’re cold, malnourished, and your target is moving. And especially not several times in a row! I understand that if they made it truly accurate, gun battles would take several times as long to finish and it would be a more boring movie (for the average viewer, at least), but the director can’t have it both ways. They were trying to make the movie painfully accurate by having all of the death, decay, and agony all around throughout the movie, but then they had these almost humorously inaccurate gun battles every 10 minutes in which everybody that mattered in some way either got shot or shot somebody else.
Well, there you have it. If you’ve seen this movie, now you can know why it sucked. If you haven’t seen this movie, well, now you can know why it sucked as well. On one last final note, however, there was one quote that I liked in the movie. Now, for this quote, keep in mind that Inman’s character keeps getting beaten, shot, and harassed while he’s on his journey. That journey, by the way, is one that includes very little food and shelter but a hell of a lot of walking out in the cold. So, once he finally meets up with his girlfriend (Ada) and her friend (Ruby), he stumbles in obviously tired and in need of a rest.
Ruby: You shot or somethin’?
Inman: Not lately.
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