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A while ago, me and some of my friends (or is it “some friends and I”?) found this green Nalgene water bottle in the trash at school. It looked perfectly fine, intact, and functional, except for the fact that it was in the trash for some reason. Seeing as how we had just found it in the trash and we had no idea where it had been or what it had been used for, we couldn’t just take it for ourselves and use it without thoroughly washing it first. Also, none of us really needed a water bottle. But we couldn’t just leave it there, we had to do something with it. Well, what better to do with a supposedly “unbreakable” Nalgene than to break it?

We took it out to the school’s courtyard and because it had a hard cement ground. We threw it up really high (at least a good 50 feet) and let it crash down onto the ground several times. Nothing happened, other than some funny looks from fellow students. “Well duh,” we thought. It was empty and therefore really light. We found the nearest water fountain and filled the Nalgene with water. Back out to the courtyard we go, and back to the throwing it up as high as we could and letting it crash back down. The lid broke early on, but the water bottle was still usable and containing its water.
After throwing it up really high time after time, we sought more drastic measures. Why let gravity do the job for us? It obviously wasn’t accomplishing what we wanted it to, so we decided to skip the whole “using gravity” step and just started throwing it as hard as we could straight at the ground. Finally, a couple throws into that, the Nalgene cracked and broke all over an water came shooting out. It was obviously no longer capable of serving its originally assigned duties as a water bottle. So much for the “High impact resistance” capabilities of these containers as described on the official Nalgene website. I took it home after that and kept it. Just today I decided to take pictures of it to document the damage.
To see the Nalgene for yourself, check out this album within the gallery.

Dear Saddam Hussein,

Thanks for the memories. (Rather long Flash movie with audio)

WRONG! And all you soccer moms and single dads out there need to realize that! Just about an hour ago, I was at the local supermarket (Winco, if you wanted to know) and was reminded of another form of our (all humans) stupidity. With all the flashing neon signs and brightly colored stickers in all sorts of shapes, so many people still seem to have no idea that some doors are intended for exit only while others are intended for entry only. How hard of a concept is it to grasp, really? I see 7 year olds walk in the correct entrance, even without the help of any parents or other guiding persons to assist them. I also see 92 year old ladies who are legally blind, disabled, and possibly have even been pronounced dead go in the correct entrance. So what is it with these middle-aged and (supposedly) totally competent people going in the completely wrong entrances?

Well, by now you should know that I’m not one to ask questions and not even bother to spend the time and effort to at least make up some answers. So here it goes: my current running theory is that the people who do this are part of a very early phase of Bush’s re-election campaign. We all know that a very large part of the praise that his administration receives is purely because he constantly goes off about “Terrorists this…” and “Homeland Security that…” That’s all well and good, except for the fact that he’s not actually accomplishing anything. I’m sure you could go to any Democratic-centered site for a completely full and accurate list of how useless Bush is, but as far as I’m concerned he is wasting way too many lives, assloads of money, and so many resources on fighting this invisible enemy and not producing any results worth anything. “Yay, we found Saddam!” Yeah, too bad it’s only like 8 months and hundreds and hundreds of lives and billions and billions of dollars later. “Oh well, at least we managed to find all of those evil weapons of mass destruction. Wait, we didn’t? Shit! Well it’s all worth it since we caught that evil bastard Osama bin Laden. We haven’t caught him? Damnit, it’s been like 2 and a half years! How hard can it be?! I give up, screw it.”
So now that we’ve sufficiently established some facts about Bush’s jihad against terrorism (aren’t I clever?), I’ll explain the connection between that and these insanely stupid people at supermarkets across the country. For Bush to really have the next election in the bag for him, he must convince people that he is really nabbing those terrorists. Well how could he do that? There are many ways, but the way that his administration chose is rather creative, I must say. The strategy is to display to the public apparently normal people doing suspicious things and then arresting them as terrorists, therefore ridding the world of another chunk of evil. The “terrorists” are just paid actors that are quickly relocated by the government so that nobody can catch on to the whole plan. This also allows downplaying of the fact that people of middle eastern races are being singled out and persecuted purely because of their ethnicity. In fact, with paid actors, the administration can pick and choose pretty much any terrorist stereotypes that they want to set.
Hmm, rather scary country this is, isn’t it? And all from an apparently harmless act of stupidity. I hope that you now realize just how harmful this is. Every time you see somebody sneak in the exit door when the entrance door is not far away at all and plenty functional, please do me a favor and walk right up to them and let them know how idiotic they are. If they give you any trouble, please feel free to send them to me (in fact I encourage you to!).

“W”…”Already”…..”Probably”….”I don’t know”….”going to”….The list simply goes on and on. English is such a stupid language, and what makes it exponentially stupider (that is a real word) is that there are so many examples to show just how stupid it is. Right now, I’ll just focus on one category of instances that point out the stupidness (also a real word).

If you didn’t happen to catch on to the clever title or introduction, what I’m going to talk about is how many different words and phrases in this language are so often and ignorantly mispronounced in speech. Now, I can predict 2 possible reactions that you may have from reading this article so far. The first one goes something like “Well that’s stupid! I know how to speak my native language. It’s just all those rednecks and foreigners that are screwing it up! I don’t need to read this, I pronounce everything perfectly, or at least good enough.” The second possible reaction goes something like “You’re just being nitpicky. Who cares if we don’t pronounce every little part of every little syllable of every little word of every little phrase exactly correctly?” Both of those reactions are partially kind of maybe sort of smart and reasonable, but the thing is I’m the one writing this article so just shove your reactions up your nose and keep reading the damn article.
The thing is, it’s not just the rednecks and foreigners doing this. Everybody does this, everybody! Don’t think that I don’t mean you, because I do mean you. No, not that other guy that is reading this article, I mean you. YOU! Hey, even I do it. In fact, I do this type of stuff a lot. Also, I’m not being too nitpicky. If I went through the dictionary page by page, listened to audiotapes of speeches and conversations dating back all the way to October, 1943, and recording every single word that was even just slightly mispronounced, than I would consider that too nitpicky. But this? Here I am talking about words and phrases used not only everyday, but a whole lot of times every single day. For example, just think back on your day and how many times you said something really common such as “I don’t know” or “going to.” Now think hard about whether or not you pronounced whatever it was correctly. By “correctly” I mean like if for some reason you were having a speaking english test, how would you speak? Would you mumble and just fudge enough so that people can at least understand most of what you’re saying. Well? Think about it, how did you pronounce it. Aha! There, I knew it! You didn’t pronounce it correctly and you should be ashamed of yourself. (My apologies to all those who did actually pronouce those certain words or phraces correctly. I don’t mean to invoncienience you just people.)
Hmm, I’m rather tired and I probably have made a great deal of mistakes and typos in this entry already. That is quite ironic, due to the topic of this entry in the first place. When I’m less fatigued, I will spend plenty of more time to make fun of our instanely stupid language. In conclusion for this entry, however, just spend some time noticing how badly these words and phrases are pronounced in your own life at school or at work or just around people. I’m not saying that you need to change your ways, I just think that you just need to realize how bad this problem is. Anyways, I’m only getting more tired and more mistake-prone, so I’m going to go now. Have fun making fun of our crappy language….and the speakers of our crappy language….and hell, just make fun of everybody!

Rather than explain why I haven’t written an update for a while, my plan is to distract you with this online Etch-A-Sketch (uses Flash). Enjoy!

Apparently, when George Harrison (yes, he’s that one member of the Beatles who died of lung cancer and a brain tumor) was lying deathly ill in his bed, his doctor asked him for one last favor. Dr. Gilbert Lederman wanted George to just autograph a guitar and 3 cards. Simple task, right? Well, normally, yes. But not in the case that George was in at the time, which was only 2 short weeks before his death, by the way. George told the doctor that he could not even remember his own name, much less scribble his unique and valuable autograph onto 4 separate objects. The doctor, of course, could not stand for that. He physically grabbed George’s hand and led him through the act of signing the items. After that, the physician’s son played the guitar in celebration. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was what actually killed poor George, not the cancer or the tumor. Either way, nobody will notice all this mistreatment, right? Well, except for the family of the deceased, and they just happened to slap the doctor upside the head with a $10 million lawsuit that also requests ownership over the 4 signed items.

Eat that, you jackass of a doctor.

Source

After this long and hard 2 day week (my school was cancelled on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday due to the snow and such), I decided to kick back and relax while trying to find some of the worst crimes against humanity on the internet. Though the image I managed to find this time isn’t necessarily the worst, it definitely holds a place in the bottom 10% or so of images on the net. By that, I mean that about 90% of the images that can be found on the internet are less painful to look at than this one. In fact, some are even pleasing (if your mind instantly though that I am referring to porn, you are officially a pervert). So, for all your viewing pleasure (or torture, as it may be), feast your eyes upon the 9th result from Google Image Search for the word steadfast:

The above image is from http://www.fm100.net/archive/

Just some guys hanging out and having fun at some concert or musical occasion of some kind, right? WRONG! This, in fact, is documentation of a secret faction of communist lumberjacks from Sweden. Well, that’s who the 4 in the back are, at least. The one in front is obviously some VIP prisoner who they are torturing for vital information that he may possess. This whole situation may seem just a little “far out” to you, but just go with it. You’ll see.
I want to address the whole situation of the hands (or lack thereof) in this image. Well, actually, I don’t really want to but I just feel that I probably should. Let’s start be reviewing some basics: there are 5 humans in the image. Humans almost always have 2 hands each. By using some simple math, we can assume that there should be 10 hands somewhere in the vicinity of that photo. However, we only end up seeing 5 of those hands. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t really like that ratio. Especially in a situation with only guys (politically correct hoo-hah that tactfully explains that I don’t have anything against homosexuals for being homosexuals but I still have the right to personally find it not pleasing and express it, therefore making use of my basic rights of free thought and free speech here>).
For the facial expressions, there’s really no good place to start. I guess I will just start with the left and work my way to the right, finishing up with the guy down in the front. The first guy seems to be sticking out his tongue and giving a face as if to say “you don’t want to know what I’m doing, but I’m sure as hell having fun doing it!” That combined with the fact that you can’t really see where either of his hands are disturbs me greatly.
Now both of the guys in the middle seem to appear quite a bit like vampires. In fact, if you look closely, all 4 of the guys in the back look a little too much like vampires to be a coincidence. To prove to you that I’m not saying that just to say it, I’ll run through the logic with you: notice that all 4 of them (especially the 3 on the right) seem to be showing off their teeth? Maybe it’s because they are Crest wonder stories, but more likely they are showing off their blood-sucking vampire fangs! Also, do you think it’s just a coincidence that all 4 of them are a good foot or two above the poor guy in the front? Of course it be that they’re standing normally and the guy in the front is just sitting, but that is incorrect! It is obvious that the 4 vampires are using their powers of flying to hover just above their victim.

The scariest yet strongest proof that the 4 in the back are vampires has to do with their roles in the communist lumberjacks from Sweden. The job of a lumberjack is to cut down the biggest and best trees for whatever uses they see fit. So given that, wouldn’t you think that all lumberjacks dream of being able to spot all the best trees in the area? The general method of accomplishing this is to climb nearby hills or mountains and look down on the area, but what would be amazingly faster and more useful than that? The ability to fly! And who has that ability, as we have already discussed? That’s right, these 4 vampires! It just makes too much sense.
The guy in the front, that poor poor soul, is not in a very good situation at the time of this photo. By his facial expression and arm position, you can tell that he is either in immense pain or outrageously happy. Now since you can only see one of his hands, you might think that he’s outrageously happy. But the fact that clued me in on how much immense pain he is in has to do with the fact that there are still 4 other hands that should be in this picture somewhere that are not accounted for. Don’t even bother bringing up what those unseen hands might be doing. I don’t want to be forced to think about it.
Finally, I want to say a little something about the background of the picture before I end this horror story of a Goomage. You may have noticed the text in the background that appears to possibly be part of a banner that says “Steadfast”, since that is the term that I searched for to find this picture. Seems likely, right? It seems a little too likely to me. You must not forget, this picture is top secret documentation of evil communist activities (as opposed to those other good communist activites). They only want you to think that that banner says “Steadfast” when, in fact, it says “Headless”. Can’t you see it? It may be a little hard to make out, but keep in mind that it is some form of Swedish vampire cursive. Now why would it say such a thing? And why do they appear to be selling shirts or something of that sort? And what is the significance of all of the numbers on the clothing? Well, despite my burning curiosity, I want to avoid the burning of the Swedish torture Tasers that I would surely experience if anybody were to find out that I wrote anymore than I already have.

Have you ever been assaulted or possibly molested by a gang of communist Swedish vampires? Well, I don’t really care so either way, send in your suggestion(s) for Goomage search terms/phrases to goomage@fedorpheux.com now!

Seeing as how there are winter storms all around the country (and probably the world, but I’m an ignorant American pig, so don’t expect me to realize that any other countries exist), I decided it might be appropriate to let people know how they can conquer snow that may be inhibiting them.

Materials needed:
- At least 1 dog (the more the better, the bigger the better, and the stupider the better)
- Laser pointer (you can get them for like 5 bucks at your local pet store or Radio Shack…if you’re too much of a cheap ass, you can just use a normal flashlight, although an actual laser pointer will provide better results)

With those two simple things, you can conquer all the snow that you need to, and probably some more as well. To explain the process, let me start off by telling you how I developed such a procedure. I have 2 dogs and several laser pointers. One of my dogs is sort of older and lazier so I just let him be. My other dog, though, is big, young, stupid, and energetic. One day, we were using the laser pointer for something and the big dog noticed and was very interested. He chased it around and tried to catch it, even though it was obviously impossible for him to “catch” the point of light. So we decided that was a new game for him and we played with him using the laser pointer a lot. One day, however, the dog got so frustrated with not being able to catch it, he just peed on it. Well, not actually on it, but on the wall and floor of our house. Obviously, we had to clean it up and we decided that was no longer an appropriate inside game for the dog.
However, you are hopefully catching on the the idea here. To conquer the snow, all you need to do is use the laser pointer and point it at piles of snow outside with your big stupid dog(s) present and it/they will attack the snow, mauling and killing it and occaisionally urinating on it. All of those things will quickly get rid of the snow that is in your way, no matter how much snow you have or how cold it is outside. You can even just stay inside next to a window with your laser pointer, kick the dogs out and send them to work. You will be clear of snow in no time.

Head on over to Bam, Iran, and you can have the pleasure of checking out a 97 year old lady that survived 8 days in the rubble of her home without food or water. In surprisingly good health and suffering only from mild dehydration, her one complaint from inside the hospital is that she apparently doesn’t like the intravenous needle.

Here’s the source for this story

If you use Internet Explorer, or even if you don’t, you may like to know this little tidbit. In the title (the thing at the top of every window of the web browser), it always has “Microsoft Internet Explorer” at the end. Well, no more, for I will tell you how you can easily edit it to say whatever you want!

1. Go to Start, then Run, and then type regedit
2. Go to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Main
3. Right click and make a string value called Window Title
4. Right click the new string value you made and select Modify
5. Whatever you type in for the Value Data will replace the “Microsoft Internet Explorer” that is normally at the top (leaving the value blank will clear the “Microsoft Internet Explorer” from the top)

Enjoy doing your part to take down the scum that is Microsoft. By the way, for all you people paying attention to how hypocritical it is to be trying to fight Microsoft by using it’s own product, Internet Explorer, you don’t have to worry. I use Mozilla Firebird. Although, if you’re really crazy and you think I shouldn’t even use Microsoft Windows, well you can just go shove it because I like my video games as well as other various software and I’m too damn lazy to figure out how to make all that stuff work on other OSes.

Finally, I haven’t bothered to test this with different versions of IE or Windows or anything. All I can say is that it works with my install of Windows XP Professional and IE6, so if this somehow breaks your computer, it’s your own damn fault for doing it. Seriously though, it should work fine with just about anything that most of you out there are running.